Clue
by BlackdragonDM
Summary: Remake of the Movie Clue, Harry Potter style! ~Slash~
1. Scenes 1-11 Mustard, White, and the Staf...

Disclaimer: THIS IS THE DISCLAIMER FOR THE ENTIRE STORY!  
  
I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER OR CLUE!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Characters:  
  
In Order Of Appearance  
  
Wadsworth ==Sirius  
  
Guard Dogs ==Fluffy  
  
Yvette== Hermione  
  
Mrs.Ho== Snape  
  
Colonel Mustard== Seamus  
  
Mrs. White== Dean  
  
Mrs. Scarlet== Harry  
  
Professor Plum==Draco  
  
Mrs. Peacock== Parvati  
  
Mr. Green== Ron  
  
Mr. Boddy== Pansy  
  
Motorist== Goyle  
  
Cop== Lavendar  
  
J. Edgar Hoover==Neville  
  
Singing Telegram Girl== Crabbe  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The opening credits appear over a sky, growing stormy.  
  
  
  
~~1 -- EXT. Sirius's CAR--TWILIGHT -- 1~~  
  
  
  
Sirius's car travels through the wind of an oncoming storm.  
  
It pulls up to the gate of Hill House.  
  
  
  
Hill House is a large, imposing mansion, looking very New England.  
  
  
  
Sirius takes out a key and unlocks the gate.  
  
He drives the car up to the front door.  
  
  
  
~~2 -- EXT. HILL HOUSE--FRONT DOOR -- 2~~  
  
  
  
Sirius exits the car, holding a bag and looking at the three heads of the barking guard Fluffy.  
  
The dog approachs Sirius . . . then jump.  
  
Sirius quickly pulls a big beef bone out of the bag and hurls it to them.  
  
The dog trots away to gnaw on the bone as Sirius rolls up the bag.  
  
Sirius cinches their chain so it won't allow it to reach the door.  
  
He steps toward the door . . . and sniffs.  
  
Sirius pauses and checks the bottom of his feet. Dog crap.  
  
He looks in disgust at the dog, who isn't bothered at all.  
  
  
  
~~3 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 3~~  
  
  
  
The Hall of Hill House is remarkable, elegant but not gaudy. It is furnished in dark wood, and brass, with crystal chandeliers. There are several doors on each side of the hall and three at the end.  
  
To the left: Lounge and dining room.  
  
To the right: Study, library, and billiard room.  
  
The end: Conservatory, ball room, bathroom, and kitchen.  
  
The stairs are located to the right.  
  
By the staircase is the door to the basement steps.  
  
We hear "Shake, Rattle and Roll" in the background.  
  
  
  
Sirius opens the front door of Hill House and wipes off his foot.  
  
He enters and hangs up his coat.  
  
  
  
SUPERIMPOSED: NEW ENGLAND 1954  
  
  
  
Sirius steps briskly down the Hall steps toward the library.  
  
  
  
4 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--LIBRARY -- 4  
  
  
  
The library is a somewhat more comfortable room than the hall, composed of dark colors. All of the walls are covered with books, with the exception of one wall, a window.  
  
  
  
Hermione, a young and rather jiggly french maid, is polishing a glass.  
  
  
  
The music is much louder.  
  
  
  
Sirius enters and turns off the record player.  
  
  
  
The music stops.  
  
  
  
(He speaks to the maid in a proper English accent.)  
  
Sirius: Is everything ready?  
  
(She replies in a French accent.)  
  
Hermione: Oui, monsieur.  
  
Sirius: You have your instructions?  
  
Hermione nods.  
  
Sirius exits.  
  
Hermione sniffs the air, and then examines the bottom of her shoes.  
  
  
  
~~5 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--KITCHEN -- 5~~  
  
  
  
The kitchen is white tile, narrow. There is a meat freezer to the right. A counter leads off to the left.  
  
Snape, the cook, is sharpening a knife.  
  
Joseph McCarthy is speaking on the television in the background.  
  
Sirius enters.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Is everything all right, Snape?  
  
  
  
Snape turns, knife in hand.  
  
  
  
Snape: Dinner will be ready at seven-thirty.  
  
  
  
The doorbell rings.  
  
Sirius exits the kitchen.  
  
  
  
~~6 -- EXT. HILL HOUSE--FRONT DOOR--NIGHT -- 6 ~~  
  
  
  
A man is standing by the front door, being growled at by the Fluffy.  
  
He is not comfortable.  
  
  
  
~~7 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 7~~  
  
  
  
Sirius opens the door.  
  
Sirius: Good evening.  
  
MAN: Good evening. I don't know if--  
  
Sirius: Yes, indeed, sir, you are expected, Colonel. May I take your coat? It is Colonel Seamus, isn't it?  
  
Seamus: No, that's not my name. My name is Colonel--  
  
Sirius: Pardon me, sir, but tonight you may well feel obliged to my employer for the use of an alias.  
  
  
  
Seamus sniffs around and checks his shoe as Sirius hangs his coat.  
  
The pair starts across the hall.  
  
  
  
Seamus: And who are you, sir?  
  
Sirius: I'm Sirius, sir. The butler.  
  
  
  
~~8 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--LIBRARY -- 8~~  
  
  
  
Hermione is present.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Hermione, will you attend to Seamus and give him anything he requires. (glances at them) Within reason, that is.  
  
  
  
Sirius exits, closing the doors behind him. The doors have books on the back of them, and so look like a part of the wall.  
  
  
  
Seamus: Oh, Sirius, I was--  
  
  
  
Seamus turns to discover the doors have disappeared.  
  
The bell rings.  
  
  
  
~~ 9 -- EXT. HILL HOUSE--FRONT DOOR -- 9~~  
  
  
  
A man dressed in black stands here.  
  
Sirius opens the door.  
  
  
  
10 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 10  
  
  
  
Sirius: Do come in, sir. You are expected.  
  
MAN: Do you know who I am?  
  
Sirius: Only that you are to be known as Mr. Dean.  
  
Dean: Yes, it said so in the letter. But, why . . . ?  
  
  
  
Sirius removes his coat, with a brilliantly white inside.  
  
Mr. Dean sniffs and checks his shoe.  
  
  
  
11 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--LIBRARY -- 11  
  
  
  
Hermione and Col. Seamus are here.  
  
Seamus is sipping Cognac and glancing at Hermione.  
  
The doors open, the left one into Col. Seamus.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Ah. May I introduce you? Mr. Dean, this is Hermione, the maid. (The two people react with disgust) I see you know each other.  
  
  
  
Mr. Dean turns away as Col. Seamus emerges from behind the door.  
  
  
  
Dean: Hello.  
  
Seamus: Hello. 


	2. Scenes 12-20 More Guests

Characters:  
  
In Order Of Appearance  
  
Wadsworth ==Sirius  
  
Guard Dogs ==Fluffy  
  
Yvette== Hermione  
  
Mrs.Ho== Snape  
  
Colonel Mustard== Seamus  
  
Mrs. White== Dean  
  
Mrs. Scarlet== Harry  
  
Professor Plum==Draco  
  
Mrs. Peacock== Parvati  
  
Mr. Green== Ron  
  
Mr. Boddy== Pansy  
  
Motorist== Goyle  
  
Cop== Lavendar  
  
J. Edgar Hoover==Neville  
  
Singing Telegram Girl== Crabbe  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
12 -- EXT. ROADSIDE -- 12  
  
  
  
A slim man is standing by his broken down car.  
  
An owl can be heard.  
  
He hits the car, obviously frustrated.  
  
Thunder roars in the distance.  
  
The man sees headlights a short way away. He smoothes his  
  
pants.  
  
As the car nears, he bends over the engine and lifts a leg.  
  
The car screeches to a halt just past him and backs up.  
  
The man goes to the car and peers in.  
  
  
  
MAN 2's VOICE: Want a lift?  
  
MAN 1:(sultry) Yes, please . . .  
  
  
  
He gets in.  
  
  
  
13 -- INT. MAN'S CAR -- 13  
  
  
  
MAN 1: Thanks. I'm late for a dinner date.  
  
MAN 2: Me too. Where are you going?  
  
  
  
The man pulls out a sheet of paper.  
  
  
  
MAN 1: (looking at paper) Let's see . . . Hill House. Off Route 41.  
  
MAN 2: Wait a minute. Let me look at that. (takes paper) That's where I'm going. I got a letter like this.  
  
  
  
They both look disturbed.  
  
  
  
14 -- EXT. CAR -- 14  
  
  
  
The rain has started.  
  
The windshield wipers start as the car pulls away.  
  
  
  
15 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--LIBRARY -- 15  
  
  
  
We see a woman.  
  
  
  
Sirius: And this is Mrs. Parvati.  
  
Seamus: How do you do?  
  
Dean: Hello.  
  
Sirius: Hermione, will you go and check that dinner will be ready as soon as all the guests have arrived?  
  
  
  
Hermione nods.  
  
Mrs. Parvati stares approvingly at Hermione's exposed cleavage.  
  
Hermione exits the library.  
  
The doorbell rings.  
  
  
  
16 -- EXT. HILL HOUSE--FRONT DOOR -- 16  
  
  
  
It is now raining quite hard.  
  
A man is standing at the door, much like Col. Seamus was.  
  
Fluffy, of course, is growling.  
  
Sirius opens the door.  
  
  
  
MAN: Is this the right address to meet Mrs.Pansy?  
  
Sirius: Oh, you must be Mr. Ron.  
  
Ron: Yes . . .  
  
Sirius: (to Fluffy) Sit!  
  
  
  
Ron frantically sits on a bench by the door.  
  
  
  
Sirius: No. Not you, sir.  
  
  
  
Mr. Ron sheepishly gets up and enters the house.  
  
  
  
17 -- INT. MAN'S CAR -- 17  
  
  
  
MAN 1: It should be just off there.  
  
  
  
17a -- EXT. HILL HOUSE--VIEW FROM FRONT GATE -- 17a  
  
  
  
17b -- INT. MAN'S CAR -- 17b  
  
  
  
MAN 2: That must be it.  
  
  
  
17c -- EXT. HILL HOUSE--VIEW FROM FRONT GATE -- 17c  
  
  
  
Lightning crashes, illuminating the house.  
  
  
  
17d -- INT. MAN'S CAR -- 17d  
  
  
  
MAN 1: Why is the car stopped?  
  
MAN 2: It's frightened.  
  
  
  
17e -- EXT. HILL HOUSE--FRONT GATE -- 17e  
  
  
  
The car is started again and it rolls up the driveway.  
  
  
  
18 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--LIBRARY -- 18  
  
  
  
Lightning crashes, making Mr. Ron gulp.  
  
  
  
19 -- EXT. HILL HOUSE--FRONT--DRIVEWAY -- 19  
  
  
  
Man 1 and man 2 exit their car and run for the front door.  
  
Man 2 shields man 1 from the now heavy rain.  
  
  
  
MAN 2: What a godforsaken place!  
  
  
  
He squeezes one of man 1's buttocks.  
  
Man 1 shakes his hand off, looking disgusted.  
  
The door opens, revealing Sirius.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Professor Draco! And Mr. Harry. I didn't realize you were acquainted.  
  
Harry: (glancing at Draco) We weren't.  
  
  
  
They enter.  
  
  
  
20 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--LIBRARY -- 20  
  
  
  
The doors open to reveal Prof. Draco and Mr. Harry.  
  
  
  
Sirius: May I present Professor Draco . . . and Mr. Harry.  
  
  
  
Nods all around.  
  
Draco and Harry receive wine glasses from Hermione, whom Draco eyes.  
  
Prof. Draco clinks glasses with Mr. Harry, who looks annoyed.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Of course, since you've each been addressed by a pseudonym, you'll have realized that nobody here is being addressed by their real name.  
  
  
  
The guests glance around suspiciously. 


	3. Scenes 21-24 Dinner Is Served

Characters:  
  
In Order Of Appearance  
  
Wadsworth ==Sirius  
  
Guard Dogs ==Fluffy  
  
Yvette== Hermione  
  
Mrs.Ho== Snape  
  
Colonel Mustard== Seamus  
  
Mrs. White== Dean  
  
Mrs. Scarlet== Harry  
  
Professor Plum==Draco  
  
Mrs. Peacock== Parvati  
  
Mr. Green== Ron  
  
Mr. Boddy== Pansy  
  
Motorist== Goyle  
  
Cop== Lavendar  
  
J. Edgar Hoover==Neville  
  
Singing Telegram Girl== Crabbe  
  
21 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 21  
  
  
  
Snape bangs a gong once, fiercely.  
  
  
  
22 -- INT. LIBRARY -- 22  
  
  
  
The gong is heard a second time.  
  
Mr. Ron jumps at the sound, dumping his champagne on Mrs.Parvati.  
  
  
  
Sirius: (calmly, as always) Ah. Dinner.  
  
Ron: (hands Parvati his glass, starts to mop her up as she clucks) I'm sorry . . . I'm a little accident-prone . . .  
  
  
  
23 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 23  
  
  
  
The guests cross to the Dining Room.  
  
  
  
24 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--DINING ROOM -- 24  
  
The dining room is elegant, in similar decor to the Hall, but it is somewhat more comfortable.  
  
However, the room is still small.  
  
At one end, there is a door and a metal partition, both leading to the kitchen.  
  
The guests file in.  
  
  
  
Sirius: You'll find your names beside your places. Please be seated.  
  
  
  
The guests, except for Col. Seamus, find their places and sit  
  
.  
  
Sirius sets Harry's drink on the table, to his pleasure.  
  
  
  
Seamus: (indicating the head of the table) Is this place for you?  
  
Sirius: Oh, indeed, no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler.  
  
Seamus: And what exactly do you do?  
  
Sirius: I buttle, sir.  
  
Seamus: Which means what?  
  
Sirius: The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room. I keep everything . . . tidy. That's all.  
  
  
  
Col. Seamus attempts to continue but is interrupted by Mrs.Parvati.  
  
  
  
Parvati: Well, what's all this about, butler; this dinner party?  
  
Sirius: "Ours is not to reason why . . . Ours is but to do and die"  
  
Draco: "Die"?  
  
Sirius: (smiling) Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson.  
  
Seamus: (now seated next to Mr. Harry) Hm. I prefer Kipling, myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." (to Harry)You like Kipling, Mr. Harry?  
  
Harry: Sure, I'll eat anything.  
  
  
  
Hermione enters carrying a tray.  
  
  
  
Hermione: (to Parvati) Sharks' Fin Soup, Madame.  
  
Seamus: (again indicating head) So is this for our host?  
  
Sirius: No, sir. For the seventh guest, Mrs. Pansy  
  
Dean: I thought Mrs. Pansy was our host?  
  
  
  
The guests all concur.  
  
  
  
Dean: So who is our host, Mr. Sirius?  
  
  
  
Sirius chuckles with a closed smile.  
  
  
  
Draco: Well, I want to start, while it's still hot.  
  
Parvati: Oh, now shouldn't we wait for the other guest?  
  
Hermione: I will keep somesing warm for eem.  
  
Harry: What did you have in mind, dear?  
  
  
  
Silence.  
  
Prof. Draco slurps soup from his spoon.  
  
Mr. Dean disapproves, then does the same.  
  
Seamus, Daisuke, and Ron stare at them, spoons poised near mouths.  
  
They do it again.  
  
Silence.  
  
  
  
Parvati: (breathlessly) Well, someone's got to break the ice, and it might as well be me. I mean, I'm used to being a hostess; it's part of my wife's work,and it's always difficult when a group of new friends meet together for the first time to get acquainted, so I'm perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling . . . I mean, I have absolutely no idea what we'redoing here, or what I'm doing here, or what this place is about, but I am determined to enjoy myself and I'm very intrigued and oh, my, this soup's delicious isn't it?  
  
  
  
Everyone sits bewildered.  
  
  
  
Dean: You say you are used to being a hostess as part of your wife's work?  
  
Parvati: Yes, it's an integral part of your life when you are the wife of a. . oh, but then I forgot we're not supposed to say who we really are, though heavens to Betsy, I don't know why.  
  
Seamus: Don't you.  
  
Ron: I know who you are.  
  
Harry: Aren't you going to tell us?  
  
Parvati: (removes glasses nervously) How do you know who I am?  
  
Ron: I work in Washington, too.  
  
Draco: Oh, so you're a politician's wife.  
  
Parvati: Yes, I-I am.  
  
Seamus: Well, come on, then. Who's your husband?  
  
  
  
Suddenly, Sirius opens the door from the kitchen.  
  
  
  
Parvati: (to Mr.Dean) So, what does your husband do?  
  
Dean: (almost cutting her off) Nothing.  
  
Parvati: Nothing?  
  
Dean: Well, he . . . just . . . lies around on his back all day.  
  
Harry: Sounds like hard work to me.  
  
  
  
Hermione, in the kitchen, opens the partition suddenly.  
  
The noise coincides with a crash of thunder.  
  
Mr. Ron, jumpy as ever, spills his drink again, this time on Mr. Harry.  
  
  
  
Ron: I'm . . . sorry. I'm afraid I'm a little accident-prone.  
  
  
  
He starts to wipe off his upper chest.  
  
  
  
Harry: Ah--watch it.  
  
  
  
He stops.  
  
Hermione starts serving food.  
  
  
  
Hermione: Excuse moi.  
  
  
  
The guests start eating.  
  
  
  
Parvati: Mmm! This is one of my favorite recipes!  
  
Sirius: I know, madam.  
  
Parvati: So, what do you do in Washington, D.C., Mr. Ron?  
  
  
  
No answer.  
  
  
  
Parvati: Come on, what do you do? I mean, how are we to get acquainted if we don't say anything about ourselves?  
  
Harry: (angrily) Perhaps he doesn't want to get acquainted with you.  
  
Parvati: (bothered) Well, I'm sure I don't know, but if I wasn't trying to keep the conversation going, then we would just be sitting here in an embarrassed silence.  
  
Draco: Are you afraid of silence, Mrs. Parvati?  
  
Parvati: Yes! What? No, why?  
  
Draco: Oh, it just seems to me that you seem to suffer from what we call pressure of speech.  
  
Harry: "We"? Who's "we"? Are you a shrink?  
  
Draco: I do know a little bit about psychological medicine, yes.  
  
Dean: Are you a doctor?  
  
Draco: I am, but I don't practice.  
  
Harry: Practice makes perfect. Ha. I think most men need a little practice, don't you, Mrs. Parvati?  
  
  
  
Mrs. Parvati shrugs, very uncomfortable  
  
  
  
Dean: So what do you do, Professor?  
  
Draco: I work for UNO, the United Nations Organization.  
  
Seamus: Another politician. Jesus!  
  
Draco: No, I work for a branch of UNO. W.H.O., the World Health Organization.  
  
Parvati: Well, what is your area of special concern?  
  
Draco: Family planning. (to Seamus) What about you, Colonel? Are you a real colonel?  
  
Seamus: (seriously) I am, sir.  
  
Harry: You're not going to mention the coincidence that you also live in Washington, D.C.?  
  
Seamus: How did you know that? Have we met before?  
  
Harry: I've certainly seen you before. Although you may not have seen me.  
  
Ron: So, Mr. Harry, does this mean that you live in Washington,too?  
  
Harry: Sure do.  
  
Parvati: Does anyone here not live in Washington, D.C.?  
  
Draco: I don't.  
  
Ron: Yes, but you work for the United Nations. That's a government job. And the rest of us all live in a government town. Anyone here not earn their living from the government in one way or another?  
  
  
  
Col. Seamus stands suddenly.  
  
  
  
Seamus: (angrily, to Sirius) Sirius, where's our host, and why have we been brought here?  
  
  
  
The doorbell rings.  
  
Sirius exits.  
  
We hear the door opening and Sirius speaks.  
  
  
  
Sirius (O.S.) : Ah! Good evening. You are eagerly awaited.  
  
WOMAN (O.S.) : You lockin' me in? I'll take the key.  
  
Sirius (O.S.) : Over my dead body, ma'am. May I take your bag?  
  
WOMAN (O.S.) : No. I'll leave it here 'til I need it.  
  
Sirius (O.S.) : It contains evidence, I presume?  
  
WOMAN (O.S.) : Surprises, my friend. That's what it contains-surprises!  
  
  
  
Sirius enters the dining room, followed by the woman.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mrs. Pansy.  
  
Pansy: What are they all doin' here?  
  
Sirius: Eating dinner. Do sit down, Mrs. Pansy  
  
Pansy: (sitting) Thanks.  
  
Hermione starts to serve her.  
  
Pansy: Nah, you can take that away, honey.  
  
  
  
Parvati hits the table.  
  
  
  
Parvati: (angrily) Look. I demand to know what's going on. Now why have we all been dragged up to this horrible place?  
  
Sirius: Well. I believe we all received a letter. My letter says, "It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mrs. Pansy will bring to an end a certain long-standing confidential and painful financial liability." It is signed, "A friend."  
  
Ron: I received a similar letter.  
  
Harry: So did we, didn't we. (indicating Prof. Draco)  
  
Pansy: I also received a letter. (Hermione starts to serve her again) No thanks, Hermione. I just ate.  
  
Ron: Now, how did you know her name?  
  
Pansy: We know each other. (puts her hand up Hermione's (short) skirt) Don't we, dear?  
  
  
  
Hermione recoils.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Forgive my curiosity, Mrs. Pansy, but did your letter say the same thing?  
  
Pansy: No.  
  
Sirius: I see . . . (to group) Can I interest any of you in fruit or dessert?  
  
  
  
No response.  
  
  
  
Sirius: In that case, may I suggest we adjourn to the study for coffee and brandy, at which point I believe our unknown host will reveal his intentions. 


	4. Scenes 25-27 Escaping

Wadsworth ==Sirius  
  
Guard Dogs ==Fluffy  
  
Yvette== Hermione  
  
Mrs.Ho== Snape  
  
Colonel Mustard== Seamus  
  
Mrs. White== Dean  
  
Mrs. Scarlet== Harry  
  
Professor Plum==Draco  
  
Mrs. Peacock== Parvati  
  
Mr. Green== Ron  
  
Mr. Boddy== Pansy  
  
Motorist== Goyle  
  
Cop== Lavendar  
  
J. Edgar Hoover==Neville  
  
Singing Telegram Girl== Crabbe  
  
25 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE STUDY -- 25  
  
  
  
The study is by far the most comfortable room we've seen so far.  
  
It is decorated in subdued tan colors.  
  
There are several couches, a bookshelf, a table with drinks, and a desk.  
  
The guests enter and look around for their host.  
  
  
  
Ron: Well, there's no one here.  
  
Sirius: (to the guests in general) Please help yourself to brandy and be seated.  
  
  
  
Sirius goes to the desk and takes a manilla envelope.  
  
It reads: For Sirius Open AFTER DINNER  
  
  
  
Harry: Mind if I smoke?  
  
  
  
Prof. Draco, seated next to Mr. Harry, lights his cigarette.  
  
Sirius opens the envelope.  
  
He peruses the contents.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm instructed to tell you what you all have in common with each other. Unless you would care to do the honors, Mrs. Pansy?  
  
Pansy: Why me? They know who I am?  
  
Sirius: I don't think so. You've never identified yourself to them, I believe.  
  
  
  
Mrs. Pansy stands suddenly.  
  
  
  
Pansy: It's a hoax! I suggest we all leave.  
  
  
  
She takes off out the study door.  
  
  
  
Sirius: (in pursuit) I'm sorry, ma'am, you cannot leave this house!  
  
  
  
26 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 26  
  
  
  
Mrs. Pansy goes to the front door.  
  
Sirius follows, and he is followed by the other guests.  
  
  
  
Pansy: No? Who's gonna stop me?  
  
Sirius: There's no way out. (Mrs. Pansy tries the front door. It's locked.) All the windows have bars, all the doors are locked.  
  
Pansy: This is an outrage! You can't hold us prisoner!  
  
  
  
The guests, in confusion, agree.  
  
  
  
Sirius: (shouting over the din) Ladies and gentlemen, please! Please return to the study. Everything will be explained.  
  
  
  
The guests file unhappily back into the study.  
  
Mrs. Pansy walks past Sirius toward the rear of the hall.  
  
  
  
Sirius: (to Mrs.Pansy) You too, Mrs. Pansy.  
  
  
  
Pansy starts running.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Other way!  
  
  
  
He pursues Pansy  
  
  
  
27 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--CONSERVATORY -- 27  
  
  
  
The conservatory is humid, with plants all around.  
  
Three of the walls are brick, and the fourth is glass, leading to the outside.  
  
The rain can be heard and seen, against the glass.  
  
Mrs. Pansy runs in, picks up a brick and prepares to throw it through the glass.  
  
Sirius enters.  
  
  
  
Sirius: You can't get out that way.  
  
Pansy: Why not? It's only glass!  
  
  
  
Suddenly, a vicious Fluffy jumps at the glass, barking and snarling.  
  
Pansy drops the brick. 


	5. Scene 28ABC Blackmail In The Study

Wadsworth ==Sirius  
  
Guard Dogs ==Fluffy  
  
Yvette== Hermione  
  
Mrs.Ho== Snape  
  
Colonel Mustard== Seamus  
  
Mrs. White== Dean  
  
Mrs. Scarlet== Harry  
  
Professor Plum==Draco  
  
Mrs. Peacock== Parvati  
  
Mr. Green== Ron  
  
Mr. Boddy== Pansy  
  
Motorist== Goyle  
  
Cop== Lavendar  
  
J. Edgar Hoover==Neville  
  
Singing Telegram Girl== Crabbe  
  
28 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE STUDY -- 28  
  
  
  
The guests are already present.  
  
Sirius and Mrs. Pansy enter.  
  
Sirius takes up his envelope again.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Ladies and gentlemen, you all have one thing in common.You're all being blackmailed. For some considerable time, all of you have been paying what you can afford and, in some cases, more than you can afford to someone who threatens to expose you. And none of you know who's blackmailing you, do you?  
  
Parvati: Oh, please! I've never heard anything so ridiculous. I mean,nobody could blackmail me. My life is an open book--I've never done anything wrong.  
  
Sirius: Anybody else wish to deny it?  
  
  
  
The guests look at each other, but no one responds.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Very well. As everyone here is in the same boat, there's no harm in my revealing some details. And my instructions are to do so.Thank you, Hermione.  
  
  
  
The maid, so dismissed, leaves.  
  
Mrs. Pansy's eyes follow her out.  
  
  
  
Dean: Don't you think you might spare us this humiliation?  
  
Sirius: I'm sorry. Professor Draco, you were once a professor of psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.  
  
Draco: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.  
  
Sirius: So your work has not changed. But you don't practice medicine at the U.N. His license to practice has been lifted, correct?  
  
Harry: Why? What did he do?  
  
Sirius: You know what doctors aren't allowed to do with their patients?  
  
Harry: Yeah?  
  
Sirius: Well, he did.  
  
Harry: Ha!  
  
Parvati: Oh, how disgusting.  
  
Sirius: (swooping down on her) Are you making moral judgements,Mrs. Parvati? How, then, do you justify taking bribes in return for delivering your wife's vote to certain lobbyists?  
  
Parvati: My wife is a paid consultant. There is nothing wrong with that!  
  
Sirius: Not if it's publicly declared, perhaps. But if the payment is delivered by slipping used greenbacks in plain envelopes under the door of the men's room,how would you describe that transaction?  
  
Harry: I'd say it stinks.  
  
Parvati: Well, how would you know. When were you in that men's room?  
  
Draco: So it's true!  
  
Parvati: (standing) No, it's a vicious lie!  
  
Sirius: I'm sure we're all glad to hear that. But you've been paying blackmail for over a year now to keep that story out of the papers.  
  
Dean: (to Parvati) Well, I am willing to believe you. I too am being blackmailed for something I didn't do.  
  
Ron: Me too.  
  
Seamus: And me.  
  
Harry: Not me.  
  
Sirius: You're not being blackmailed?  
  
Harry: Oh, I'm being blackmailed, all right. But I did what I'm being blackmailed for.  
  
Draco: (with interest) What did you do?  
  
Harry: Well, to be perfectly frank, I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service which provide gentlemen or women with the company of a young lady or man for a short while.  
  
Draco: (very interested) Oh, yeah? (pulling out a pen and notepad) What's the phone number?  
  
  
  
Harry rolls his eyes.  
  
  
  
Ron: So how did you know Colonel Seamus works in Washington? Is he one of your clients?  
  
Seamus: (incredulous) Certainly not!  
  
Ron: I was asking Mr. Harry.  
  
Seamus: (to Harry) Well, you tell him it's not true!  
  
Harry: It's not true.  
  
Draco: Is that true?  
  
Harry: No, it's not true.  
  
Ron: Ha-hah! So it is true!  
  
Sirius: A double negative!  
  
Seamus: Double "negative"? You mean you have--(whispers to Harry) Photographs?  
  
Sirius: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away.  
  
Seamus: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?  
  
Sirius: You don't need any help from me, sir.  
  
Seamus: That's right!  
  
  
  
Seamus realizes what he just said.  
  
  
  
Draco: But seriously, I don't see what's so terrible about Colonel Seamus visiting a house of ill fame. (puts his hand on Harry's leg) Most soldiers do, don't they?  
  
Harry: (standing) Oh, please.  
  
Sirius: But he holds a sensitive security post in the pentagon. And, Colonel, you drive a very expensive car for someone who lives on a colonel's pay.  
  
Seamus: I don't. I came into money during the war, when I lost my mommy and daddy.  
  
  
  
Sirius is puzzled, but soon recovers.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Mr. Dean, you've been paying our friend the blackmailer ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances.  
  
  
  
Harry laughs.  
  
  
  
Dean: Why is that funny?  
  
Harry: I see. That's why he was lying on his back. In his coffin.  
  
Dean: I didn't kill him.  
  
Seamus: Then why are you paying the blackmailer?  
  
Dean: I don't want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation, he was deranged . . . lunatic. He didn't actually seem to like me very much, he had threatened to kill me in public.  
  
Harry: Why would he want to kill you in public?  
  
Sirius: I think he meant he threatened, in public, to kill him.  
  
Harry: Oh. And was that his final word on the matter?  
  
Dean: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?  
  
Sirius: And yet he was the one who died, not you, Mr.Dean, not you.  
  
Harry: What did he do for a living?  
  
Dean: He was a scientist. Nuclear physics.  
  
Harry: What was he like?  
  
Dean: He was always a rather stupidly pessimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died. But he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off and so had his . . . you know . . .  
  
  
  
The men in the room cross their legs.  
  
  
  
Dean: I had been out all evening at the movies.  
  
Harry: Do you miss him?  
  
Dean: Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.  
  
Sirius: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.  
  
Dean: But that was his job. He was an illusionist.  
  
Sirius: But he never reappeared.  
  
Dean: (shrugging) He wasn't a very good illusionist.  
  
  
  
Mr. Ron clears his throat and stands.  
  
  
  
Ron: I have something to say. (pauses) I'm not going to wait for Sirius here to unmask me. I work for the state department. And I am straight.  
  
  
  
Sirius, wide-eyed, looks for Ron's file.  
  
Parvati clucks in disgust.  
  
  
  
Ron: I feel no personal shame or guilt about this. But I must keep it a secret or I will lose my job on security grounds. (pauses again,looking embarrassed) . . . Thank you.  
  
  
  
Mr. Ron sits back down next to Prof.Draco, who rapidly stands and walks away.  
  
  
  
Draco: Well, that just leaves Mrs. Pansy.  
  
Harry: What's your little secret?  
  
Sirius: Her secret? Oh, hadn't you guessed? She's the one who's blackmailing you all.  
  
  
  
Lightning crashes.  
  
Mrs. Pansy looks very satisfied.  
  
  
  
Seamus: You bastard!  
  
  
  
The guests advance on Mrs. Pansy as she stands.  
  
Seamus challenges Mrs. Pansy to fight, boxing-style.  
  
  
  
Seamus: Put 'em up!  
  
  
  
Mrs. Pansy steps on the Colonel's toes and pokes him in the eyes.  
  
  
  
Ron: People...  
  
Seamus: If you can't fight fairly, don't fight at all!  
  
Pansy: Calls me a bastard!  
  
  
  
Mr. Ron and the others try to separate them as Colonel Seamus recovers and Mrs. Pansy goes for him.  
  
Mr.Dean decides to take matters into his own hands and elbows Mrs.Pansy in the chest.  
  
  
  
Ron: Was that necessary, Mr. Dean?  
  
Sirius: Wait! Wait! The police are coming!  
  
  
  
The guests disapprove.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Listen! Blackmail depends on secrecy. You've all admitted how she's been able to blackmail you. All you have to do is tell the police,she'll be convicted, and your troubles will be over.  
  
Pansy: (standing, in pain) 's not so easy. You'll never tell the police.  
  
Sirius: Then I shall. I have evidence in my possession, and this conversation is being tape recorded.  
  
  
  
28a -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--BILLIARD ROOM -- 28a  
  
  
  
Hermione in the Billiard room, drinking cognac and listening to a reel to reel tape recorder that is recording.  
  
Ron (Voice Only): Point of order--tape recordings are not admissible evidence!  
  
28b -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE STUDY -- 28b  
  
The study.  
  
General confusion ensues.  
  
Sirius: Ladies and gentlemen, the police will be here in about (checks his watch) forty-five minutes. Tell them the truth, and Mrs.Pansy will be behind bars.  
  
Mrs. Pansy goes for the hall.  
  
Sirius stops her.  
  
Sirius: Where are you going this time?  
  
Pansy: I think I can help them make up their minds. Can I just get my little bag from the hall?  
  
Pansy exits.  
  
28c -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 28c  
  
The Hall.  
  
Mrs. Pansy gets her bags from by the front door. 


	6. Scene 28D Gifts and A Murder

Wadsworth ==Sirius  
  
Guard Dogs ==Fluffy  
  
Yvette== Hermione  
  
Mrs.Ho== Snape  
  
Colonel Mustard== Seamus  
  
Mrs. White== Dean  
  
Mrs. Scarlet== Harry  
  
Professor Plum==Draco  
  
Mrs. Peacock== Parvati  
  
Mr. Green== Ron  
  
Mr. Boddy== Pansy  
  
Motorist== Goyle  
  
Cop== Lavendar  
  
J. Edgar Hoover==Neville  
  
Singing Telegram Girl== Crabbe  
  
28d -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE STUDY -- 28d  
  
  
  
The study.  
  
Mrs. Pansy opens her luggage.  
  
  
  
Pansy: Who can guess what's in here, eh?  
  
Dean: The evidence against us, no doubt.  
  
  
  
Mrs. Pansy chuckles.  
  
She starts handing out boxes, each with a different size and shape.  
  
  
  
Harry: We didn't know we were meeting you tonight. Did you know you were meeting us?  
  
Pansy: Oh, yes.  
  
Dean: What were you told, precisely?  
  
Pansy: Merely that you were all meeting to discuss our little . . . financial arrangements. And if I did not appear, Sirius would be informing the police about it all. Naturally I could hardly resist putting in an appearance.  
  
  
  
She finishes handing out the packages.  
  
  
  
Pansy: (elbowing her way to the door) 'Scuse me. (eyeing the packages) Open 'em.  
  
Harry: Why not? I enjoy getting presents from strange people.  
  
  
  
Harry opens his package.  
  
A candlestick.  
  
  
  
Harry: A candlestick? What's this for?  
  
  
  
Dean opens his box and reveals a rope-tied in a noose.  
  
Ron takes his box in one hand. He opens it and lets  
  
the contents fall into his other hand.  
  
A heavy lead pipe.  
  
Seamus opens his box and pulls out . . . a heavy wrench  
  
(spanner).  
  
Draco takes the lid off his package and looks in.  
  
He gingerly pulls out a revolver.  
  
Finally, the camera reveals Parvati, who is twirling . . . a dagger.  
  
  
  
Pansy (Off Stage): In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon.  
  
  
  
Pansy walks on camera and continues.  
  
  
  
Pansy: If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. I'll see to that in court. (pauses) But . . . if one of you kills Sirius, now . . .  
  
  
  
Sirius's eyes widen in shock.  
  
  
  
Pansy: . . . no one but the seven of us will ever know. He has the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body. I suggest we take him up on that offer.  
  
  
  
Pansy goes over to the light switch with deliberate ease.  
  
She closes the door to the hall and sets her drink down.  
  
  
  
Pansy: The only way to avoid finding yourselves on the front pages is for  
  
one of you to kill Sirius. Now.  
  
  
  
She turns off the lights.  
  
We hear noises.  
  
Someone inhales raspily.  
  
A gunshot.  
  
Something ceramic shatters.  
  
A scream.  
  
The lights go up.  
  
Parvati, who turned on the light, drops the dagger in shock.  
  
The camera reveals Pansy lying prone on the floor.  
  
  
  
Seamus: It's not Sirius!  
  
  
  
The guests talk to each other.  
  
  
  
Draco: Stand back! Give her air! (kneels next to Pansy) Let me see. (checks Pansy for signs of life) She's dead!  
  
Dean: Who had the gun?  
  
Draco: I did.  
  
Parvati: Then you shot her!  
  
Draco: I didn't!  
  
Parvati: Well, you had the gun. If you didn't shoot her, who did?  
  
  
  
Pansy is turned over.  
  
  
  
Draco: Nobody! Look, there's no gunshot wound. Somebody tried to grab the gun from me in the dark and the gun went off. Look! The bullet broke that vase on the mantel!  
  
  
  
Everyone rushes for the mantel simultaneously, causing confusion.  
  
  
  
Seamus: He's absolutely right. Look, there's a bullet hole here in the wall.See that?  
  
  
  
Ron grabs Prof. Draco by the lapels.  
  
  
  
Ron: How did she die?  
  
Draco: I don't know! (shoves him away) I'm not a forensic expert.  
  
Dean: Well, one of us must have killed him!  
  
Ron: Well, I didn't do it.  
  
Parvati: Oh, I need a drink!  
  
  
  
She goes to the door and gets Pansy's cognac.  
  
She sips.  
  
  
  
Draco: (alarmed) Maybe she was poisoned!  
  
  
  
Parvati drops the glass in revulsion and starts to scream.  
  
She won't stop.  
  
Ron takes her to a sofa, offering words of comfort.  
  
She sits, but won't stop screaming.  
  
Ron slaps her.  
  
  
  
Ron: I . . . I had to stop her from screaming . . .  
  
Draco: (to Ron) Was the brandy poisoned?  
  
Ron: I don't know.  
  
Harry: (picks up the glass. All the cognac has spilled out) Looks like we'll never know.  
  
Ron: Unless . . . unless she dies, too.  
  
  
  
They all rush over to scrutinize Parvati.  
  
A scream erupts from another room!  
  
The guests gasp.  
  
They run from the study into the hall. 


	7. Scenes 29-31 Explanations

Wadsworth ==Sirius  
  
Guard Dogs ==Fluffy  
  
Yvette== Hermione  
  
Mrs.Ho== Snape  
  
Colonel Mustard== Seamus  
  
Mrs. White== Dean  
  
Mrs. Scarlet== Harry  
  
Professor Plum==Draco  
  
Mrs. Peacock== Parvati  
  
Mr. Green== Ron  
  
Mr. Boddy== Pansy  
  
Motorist== Goyle  
  
Cop== Lavendar  
  
J. Edgar Hoover==Neville  
  
Singing Telegram Girl== Crabbe  
  
  
  
29 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 29  
  
  
  
The guests run to the door of the billiard room.  
  
Ron tries it.  
  
  
  
Ron: It's locked!  
  
Sirius: Open up!  
  
Draco: It must be the murderer.  
  
Ron: Why would he scream?  
  
Dean: He must have a victim in there. Oh, my God! Hermione!  
  
Ron: Oh, my God!  
  
  
  
The doors open.  
  
  
  
30 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--BILLIARD ROOM -- 30  
  
  
  
The guests pour in.  
  
  
  
Sirius: You're alive!  
  
Hermione: No sanks to you!  
  
Sirius: What do you mean?  
  
Hermione: You lock me up with a murderer, you eediot!  
  
Dean: So the murderer is in this room.  
  
Hermione: Mai Oui!  
  
Ron: But where?  
  
Hermione: Where? 'Ere!  
  
  
  
Ron looks behind the door.  
  
  
  
Hermione: We are all looking at eem. Or 'er. Is what Mr. Dean said in ze study--one of you is ze killer!  
  
Draco: How did you know we said that?  
  
Hermione: I was lisuning!  
  
Dean: But why were you screaming in here all by yourself?  
  
Hermione: Because I am frightened. Me too, I also drink ze cognac. (sobbing) Mon diou. I can't stay in here by myself.  
  
  
  
Harry and Seamus go to Hermione.  
  
  
  
Harry: Come back to the study with us.  
  
Hermione: With ze murderer?  
  
Seamus: (shaking the wrench) There is safety in numbers . . . (realizing and putting the wrench away) . . . my dear.  
  
  
  
The guests leave the room.  
  
After they are gone, Sirius takes the tape off the spools.  
  
  
  
31 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE STUDY -- 31  
  
  
  
Ron: Is there no indication of how she died?  
  
Draco: No.  
  
Sirius: This is terrible. This is absolutely terrible! It's not what I'd intended. Oh, my God . . .  
  
Dean: Not what YOU intended?  
  
Harry: So you're not the butler?  
  
Sirius: I'm not THE butler, but I am A butler. In fact, I was her butler.  
  
Draco: So if she told you to invite us all to her house, why did she arrive late?  
  
Sirius: I invited you. In fact, I wrote the letters. It was all my idea.  
  
Dean: Wait a minute. I-I don't understand. Why did you invite us here to meet your late employer? Were you assisting her to blackmail us?  
  
Sirius: Certainly not!  
  
Dean: I think you had better explain.  
  
Sirius: Please sit down. Everyone.  
  
  
  
Everyone sits but Ron. He searches for a spot, but no one gives it to him. He ends up leaning against a serving table.  
  
  
  
Sirius: When I said that I was Mrs. Pansy's butler, this was both true and misleading.  
  
I was once her butler, but it was not her untimely death this evening that brought my employment with her to an end.  
  
Seamus: When did it come to an end?  
  
Sirius: When my husband decided to . . . end his life. He too was being blackmailed by this odious woman who now lies dead before us. She hated my husband for the same reason that she hated all of you. She believed that you were all thoroughly . . . . . .un-American.  
  
  
  
Ron's serving table gives way, landing him (and severalpieces of crystal) on the floor.  
  
  
  
Ron: Sorry.  
  
Sirius: For some reason, he felt that it was inappropriate for a senator to have a corrupt wife, for a doctor to take advantage of his patients, for a husband to emasculate his husband and . . . and . . . so forth.  
  
Ron: But this is ridiculous! If she was such a patriotic American, why didn't she just report us to the authorities?  
  
Sirius: She decided to put her information to good use and make a little money out of it. What could be more American than that?  
  
  
  
Several nods.  
  
  
  
Draco: And what was your role in all this?  
  
Sirius: I was . . . a victim, too. At least my husband was. He had friends who were . . . (this is obviously painful for him) . . . Socialists.  
  
  
  
Gasps and muttering from several guests, the most vocal of whom is Mrs. Parvati.  
  
  
  
Sirius: (holding back tears) Well, we all make mistakes . . .  
  
  
  
Mrs. Parvati pulls a tissue from her bra and gives it to him.  
  
  
  
Sirius: But Mrs. Pansy threatened to give my husbands's name to the House Un-American Activities Committee unless he named them. He refused, and so she blackmailed him. We had no money, and the price of her silence was that we worked for her for nothing. We were slaves! Well, to make a long story short--  
  
Seamus: Too late.  
  
Sirius: --The suicide of my husband preyed on my mind, and created a sense of injustice in me. I resolved to put Mrs. Pansy behind bars. It seemed to be the best way to do it, and to free all of you from the same burden of blackmail was to get everyone face to face, confront Mrs. Pansy with her crimes, and then . . . . . . turn her over to the police.  
  
Draco: So, everything is explained.  
  
Harry: Nothing's explained. We still don't know who killed her!  
  
Sirius: Well, the point is, we've got to find out in the next thirty-nine minutes. Before the police arrive!  
  
Parvati: My God, we can't have them come here now--  
  
Ron: But . . . how can we possibly find out which of you did it?  
  
Draco: What do you mean which of "you" did it?  
  
Ron: Well, I didn't do it!  
  
Sirius: Well, one of us did. We all had the opportunity, we all had a motive.  
  
Harry: Great. We'll all go to the chair.  
  
Draco: Maybe it wasn't one of us.  
  
Seamus: Well, who else could it have been?  
  
Draco: Who else is in the house?  
  
Sirius and Hermione: Only the (ze) cook.  
  
ALL: The cook! 


	8. Scenes 32-33 Murder in the Kitchen

Wadsworth ==Sirius  
  
Guard Dogs ==Fluffy  
  
Yvette== Hermione  
  
Mrs.Ho== Snape  
  
Colonel Mustard== Seamus  
  
Mrs. White== Dean  
  
Mrs. Scarlet== Harry  
  
Professor Plum==Draco  
  
Mrs. Peacock== Parvati  
  
Mr. Green== Ron  
  
Mr. Boddy== Pansy  
  
Motorist== Goyle  
  
Cop== Lavendar  
  
J. Edgar Hoover==Neville  
  
Singing Telegram Girl== Crabbe  
  
  
  
32 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 32  
  
  
  
The party runs from the study to the Kitchen.  
  
  
  
33 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--KITCHEN -- 33  
  
  
  
They all get stuck in the door, except for Ron.  
  
He steps down into the kitchen and looks around.  
  
  
  
Ron: Well. He's not here.  
  
  
  
The door to the freezer starts to open.  
  
Harry screams.  
  
Snape's body tumbles out into Ron's arms.  
  
He now has the dagger sticking out of his back.  
  
Snape was not (and is not) a small person.  
  
He is having difficulty holding him.  
  
  
  
Ron: I didn't do it!! (pause) Somebody help me, please? (nobody moves)  
  
Somebody help me, PLEASE?  
  
  
  
Several guests go to help.  
  
One of them reaches for the knife.  
  
  
  
Seamus: Don't touch it. That's evidence.  
  
Dean: Not for us. We have to find out who did this. We can't take fingerprints!  
  
Seamus: (to Sirius) I think you'd better explain yourself, Sirius.  
  
Sirius: Me? Why me?  
  
Ron: Who would want to kill the cook?  
  
Harry: Dinner wasn't that bad.  
  
Seamus: How can you make jokes at a time like this?  
  
Harry: It's my defense mechanism.  
  
Seamus: Some defense. If I was the killer, I would kill you next.  
  
  
  
Several guests look shocked  
  
  
  
Harry: Oh?  
  
  
  
Uncomfortable silence  
  
  
  
Seamus: I said "if." "If"! (pause) Hey, come on. There is only one admitted killer here, and it is certainly not me, it is him!  
  
  
  
He points at Dean.  
  
  
  
Dean: I've admitted nothing.  
  
Seamus: Well, you paid the blackmail. How many husbands have you had?  
  
Dean: Mine or other people's?  
  
Seamus: Yours.  
  
Dean: Five.  
  
Seamus: Five.  
  
Dean: Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex. Soft, strong, and disposable.  
  
Seamus: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies!  
  
Dean: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.  
  
Seamus: Right! (Again, he realizes what he just said)  
  
Seamus: Well, if it wasn't you, then who was it? Who had the dagger, anyway? It was you, Mrs. Parvati, wasn't it?  
  
Parvati: Yes, but I put it down.  
  
Draco: Where?  
  
Parvati: In the study.  
  
Draco: When?  
  
Parvati: I don't know! Before I fainted, after I fainted, I don't know! But any of you could have picked it up.  
  
Sirius: Hmm. Look. I suggest we take the cook's body into the study.  
  
Seamus: Why?  
  
Sirius: I'm the butler. I like to keep the kitchen tidy. 


	9. Scenes 34-35 Pictures....TWICE?!

Wadsworth ==Sirius  
  
Guard Dogs ==Fluffy  
  
Yvette== Hermione  
  
Mrs.Ho== Snape  
  
Colonel Mustard== Seamus  
  
Mrs. White== Dean  
  
Mrs. Scarlet== Harry  
  
Professor Plum==Draco  
  
Mrs. Peacock== Parvati  
  
Mr. Green== Ron  
  
Mr. Boddy== Pansy  
  
Motorist== Goyle  
  
Cop== Lavendar  
  
J. Edgar Hoover==Neville  
  
Singing Telegram Girl== Crabbe  
  
  
  
34 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE STUDY -- 34  
  
  
  
The camera faces the door that leads from the study to the hall.  
  
The men are carrying the cook's body into the study, effectively blocking off the women's view.  
  
  
  
Draco: (dropping Snape and pointing) Look!  
  
Sirius and Ron: What?  
  
Draco: The body's gone!  
  
  
  
Snape is dropped.  
  
  
  
Parvati: What are you all staring at?  
  
Ron: Nothing . . .  
  
Parvati: Well, who's there?  
  
Seamus: Nobody.  
  
Sirius: Nobody. No Body, that's what we mean. Mrs. Pansy's body. It's gone.  
  
Dean: Maybe she wasn't dead.  
  
Draco: She was.  
  
Harry: We should have made sure!  
  
Parvati: How? By cutting her head off, I suppose.  
  
Dean: That wasn't called for.  
  
Harry: Where is she?  
  
Draco: We better look for her.  
  
  
  
They look around.  
  
  
  
Ron: Well . . . she couldn't have been dead.  
  
Draco: She was. At least I thought she was. But . . . what difference does it make now?  
  
Harry: It makes quite a difference to her. Maybe there is life after death.  
  
Dean: Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.  
  
Ron: Maybe Mrs. Pansy killed the cook!  
  
Harry and Dean: Yes!  
  
Sirius: How?  
  
  
  
Ron is at a loss.  
  
  
  
Parvati: Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to, um . . . (to Hermione) Is there a little girls' room?  
  
Hermione: Oui, oui, madame.  
  
Parvati: No, I just want to powder my nose, thank you.  
  
  
  
Hermione is bewildered.  
  
Parvati steps over Snape's corpse into the hall.  
  
Harry, wandering around, picks up something.  
  
  
  
Harry: What's this, Sirius?  
  
Sirius: I'm afraid those are the negatives to which Colonel Seamus earlier referred.  
  
Seamus: (Going for them) Oh, my God!  
  
Harry: Were you planning to blackmail him, Sirius?  
  
Sirius: Certainly not! I'd obtained them for the Colonel, and I was going to give them back as soon as Mrs.Pansy was unmasked.  
  
Harry: Mmmm . . . very pretty. Would you like to see these, Hermione? They might shock you . . .  
  
Hermione: No, merci. I am a lay-dee.  
  
Harry: Oh, how do you know what kind of pictures they are if you're such a "lay-dee"?  
  
Draco: What sort of pictures are they?  
  
Seamus: They are my pictures, and I'd like them back, please.  
  
Harry: No, I'm afraid there's something in them that concerns me too.  
  
  
  
Prof. Draco snatches the pictures and holds them up to the light.  
  
  
  
Draco: Let me see . . .  
  
Dean: (looking) Oh, my. Nobody can get into that position.  
  
Draco: (putting the pictures down) Sure they can. Let me show you.  
  
  
  
Draco starts to demonstrate with Dean on the couch.  
  
  
  
Dean: Get off me!  
  
  
  
35 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL--REAR -- 35  
  
  
  
Parvati opens the door to the bathroom.  
  
She screams.  
  
Mrs. Pansy's body falls out and lands in her outstretched arms.  
  
She is almost certainly dead now; her head is bloody.  
  
The party runs out to help her.  
  
  
  
Draco: Mrs. Pansy!  
  
Ron: She's attacking her!  
  
  
  
They pull the corpse off Parvati.  
  
  
  
Dean: Well, she's dead.  
  
Sirius: Mrs. Pansy. Dead. Again.  
  
Parvati: (fanning herself) Oh, my God . . .  
  
Sirius: She's going to faint.  
  
Draco: Somebody catch her!  
  
Sirius: (going behind Parvati and encircling her with his arms) I'll catch you. Fall into my arms. (she slips right through them.) Sorry . . .  
  
Dean: (looking at Ron) You've got blood on your hands . . .  
  
Ron: (panicking) I didn't do it!  
  
Sirius: She's got new injuries.  
  
He picks up Mrs. Pansy's arm and lets it fall again.  
  
Sirius: Well, she's certainly dead now. Why would anyone want to kill her twice?  
  
Harry: It seems so unnecessary.  
  
Seamus: It's what we call "overkill."  
  
Draco: It's what we call "psychotic."  
  
Ron: Unless she wasn't dead before.  
  
Draco: What's the difference?  
  
Sirius: (shouting) That's what we're trying to find out! We're trying to find out who killed her, and where, and with what!  
  
Draco: There's no need to shout!  
  
Sirius: (even louder) I'm not shouting!! All right, I am. I'm shouting, I'm shouting, I'm shout--  
  
  
  
At which point the candlestick, which had been nestled above the bathroom door, falls and hits him on the head.  
  
Sirius hits the floor. 


	10. Scenes 36-41 What to do? Hey! It's Goyle...

Wadsworth ==Sirius  
  
Guard Dogs ==Fluffy  
  
Yvette== Hermione  
  
Mrs.Ho== Snape  
  
Colonel Mustard== Seamus  
  
Mrs. White== Dean  
  
Mrs. Scarlet== Harry  
  
Professor Plum==Draco  
  
Mrs. Peacock== Parvati  
  
Mr. Green== Ron  
  
Mr. Boddy== Pansy  
  
Motorist== Goyle  
  
Cop== Lavendar  
  
J. Edgar Hoover==Neville  
  
Singing Telegram Girl== Crabbe  
  
  
  
36 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE STUDY -- 36  
  
  
  
Parvati has evidently recovered somewhat.  
  
The women are taking the heavier Snape into the room, the men have the lighter Mrs. Pansy.  
  
The guests make groans of exertion.  
  
Col. Seamus is issuing orders.  
  
  
  
Seamus: Okay, put the corpses on the sofa. (pause) Ladies first.  
  
  
  
More sounds of exertion.  
  
They plop Snape on the sofa.  
  
Sirius enters, holding ice to his head.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Careful, don't get blood on the sofa.  
  
Hermione: How do we do sis? Ze dagger will go furzer into 'is back.  
  
Seamus: Tip him forward, over the arm.  
  
  
  
They do so.  
  
  
  
Seamus: Now Mrs. Pansy.  
  
  
  
More sounds of exertion.  
  
Col. Seamus nods.  
  
Prof. Draco is stuck on the couch between the two corpses. Rather than move, he decides to make himself comfortable.  
  
  
  
Seamus: Now. Who-- (he closes Mrs. Pansy's staring eyes) Who had access to the candlestick?  
  
Dean: It was given to you.  
  
Harry: Yeah, but I dropped it on the table. Anyone could have picked it up. You . . . him . . .  
  
  
  
Sirius starts going around the room, picking up the weapons.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Look. We still have all these weapons. The gun, the rope, the wrench, the lead pipe. Let's put them all in this cupboard and lock it. There's a homicidal maniac about!  
  
  
  
He locks the weapons in the cupboard.  
  
Everyone states their approval.  
  
  
  
Ron: What are you doing with the key?  
  
Sirius: Putting it in my pocket.  
  
Ron: Why?  
  
Sirius: Well, to keep it safe, obviously.  
  
Parvati: That means that you can open it, whenever you want.  
  
Sirius: But it also means that you can't.  
  
Parvati: But what if you're the murderer?  
  
Sirius: I'm not.  
  
Seamus: But what if you are?!  
  
Sirius: Well, it's got to be put somewhere. If I've got it, I know I'm safe.  
  
Parvati: We don't know that WE are!  
  
Sirius: I've an idea. We'll throw it away!  
  
  
  
The party agrees.  
  
  
  
37 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL--FOYER -- 37  
  
  
  
Sirius opens the door and prepares to throw the key out.  
  
Waiting outside the door is a brown haired man, who ducks, thinking Sirius is about to hit him.  
  
The butler quickly recovers and pockets the key.  
  
The rest of the party runs up behind him.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Sorry . . . Sorry . . . (laughs nervously) Can we help?  
  
MAN: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb the whole household, but . . .My name is Goyle and my car broke down out here, and I was wondering if I could use your phone.  
  
Sirius: Just a moment, please.  
  
  
  
The party huddles together and discusses it.  
  
Goyle looks rather confused.  
  
After a time, the group turns to Goyle.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Very well, sir. Would you care to come in?  
  
Goyle: Well? Where is it?  
  
Sirius: What, the body?  
  
Goyle: The phone. What body?  
  
Sirius: Well, there's no body. There's nobody. There's nobody in thestudy.  
  
PARTY: No!  
  
Sirius: But I think there's a phone in the lounge.  
  
Goyle: Thank you.  
  
  
  
38 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE LOUNGE -- 38  
  
  
  
Sirius leads the Goyle inside and indicates the phone.  
  
  
  
Sirius: When you've finished your call, perhaps you'd be good enough towait here. It is not a question.  
  
Goyle: Certainly.  
  
  
  
Sirius exits the lounge. (Goyle notices the door being locked and looks surprised)  
  
  
  
39 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 39  
  
  
  
Sirius closes the door to the lounge and locks it.  
  
Col. Seamus comes up behind him and puts a hand on his shoulder.  
  
Sirius yells in fright.  
  
  
  
Seamus: Where's the key?  
  
Sirius: In my pocket.  
  
Draco: Not that key; the key to the cupboard with the weapons!  
  
Sirius: Do you still wish me to throw it away?  
  
ALL: Yes!!  
  
  
  
40 -- EXT. HILL HOUSE--FRONT -- 40  
  
  
  
Sirius takes the key from his pocket and throws it.  
  
We see it land on the cement and bounce into the foliage.  
  
  
  
41 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 41  
  
  
  
Sirius closes the door.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Well. What now?  
  
Dean: (holding his hand out) Sirius, let me out.  
  
Sirius: No.  
  
Dean: Why not?  
  
Sirius: We've got to know who did it. We're all in this together, now.  
  
Parvati: If you leave, I'll say that you killed them both.  
  
  
  
General agreement among the guests.  
  
Dean rubs against Sirius.  
  
  
  
Dean: Oh, Sirius, I'll make you sorry you ever started this. One day, when we're alone together . . .  
  
Sirius: Mr. Dean, no man in his right mind would be alone together with you.  
  
Seamus: Well, I could use a drink!  
  
  
  
General agreement again.  
  
Col. Seamus goes to the study and looks in.  
  
  
  
Seamus: Just checking.  
  
Parvati: Everything all right?  
  
Seamus: Yup. Two corpses. Everything's fine. 


	11. Scenes 42 Who's Here?

Wadsworth ==Sirius  
  
Guard Dogs ==Fluffy  
  
Yvette== Hermione  
  
Mrs.Ho== Snape  
  
Colonel Mustard== Seamus  
  
Mrs. White== Dean  
  
Mrs. Scarlet== Harry  
  
Professor Plum==Draco  
  
Mrs. Peacock== Parvati  
  
Mr. Green== Ron  
  
Mr. Boddy== Pansy  
  
Motorist== Goyle  
  
Cop== Lavendar  
  
J. Edgar Hoover==Neville  
  
Singing Telegram Girl== Crabbe  
  
  
  
42 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--LIBRARY -- 42  
  
  
  
Col. Seamus is pouring himself a tall glass of whiskey.  
  
  
  
Seamus: Anybody else want a whiskey?  
  
Harry: Yeah.  
  
  
  
Col. Seamus fills three other glasses at once, spilling the drink over the table.  
  
  
  
Seamus: All right, look. Pay attention, everybody. (to Sirius) Sirius, am I right in thinking there is nobody else in this house?  
  
Sirius: Mmm, no.  
  
Seamus: Then there IS someone else in this house?  
  
Sirius: No, sorry. I said "no," meaning "yes."  
  
Seamus: "'No,' meaning 'yes'"? Look, I want a straight answer. Is there someone else or isn't there, yes or no?  
  
Sirius: Um, no.  
  
Seamus: "No," there IS, or "no," there ISN'T?  
  
Sirius: Yes.  
  
  
  
Dean breaks his glass against the fireplace.  
  
  
  
Dean: (exasperated) Please!! Don't you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here?  
  
  
  
He tosses the remains of his glass into the air.  
  
It shatters on the hearth.  
  
  
  
Harry: Yeah!  
  
Draco: How can we throw him outside in this weather?  
  
Harry: If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious.  
  
Draco: If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious.  
  
Seamus: If I were him, I'd be suspicious already.  
  
Parvati: (at wit's end) Oh, who cares?! That guy doesn't matter! Let him stay, locked up for another half an hour! The police will be here by then, and there are two dead bodies in the study!!  
  
ALL: Shhhh!  
  
Seamus: Well, there is still some confusion as to whether or not there's anybody else in this house.  
  
Sirius: I told you, there isn't.  
  
Seamus: There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anybody else.  
  
Sirius: Either. Or both.  
  
Seamus: Just give me a clear answer!  
  
Sirius: Certainly! (pause) What was the question?  
  
Seamus: Is there anybody else in the house?!  
  
ALL: No!!  
  
Seamus: That's what he says, but does he know? I suggest we handle this in proper military fashion. We split up, and search the house.  
  
Parvati: Split up!  
  
Seamus: Yes. We have very little time left, so we'll split up into pairs.  
  
Draco: Pairs?  
  
Seamus: Yes.  
  
Draco: Wait a minute. Suppose that one of us IS the murderer? If we split up into pairs, whichever one is left with the killer might get killed!  
  
Seamus: Then we would have discovered who the murderer is!  
  
Parvati: But the other half of the pair would be dead!  
  
Seamus: This is war, Parvati! Casualties are inevitable. You cannot cook without breaking eggs--every cook will tell you that.  
  
Parvati: But look what happened to the cook!  
  
Ron: Colonel, are you willing to take that chance?  
  
Seamus: What choice have we?  
  
Harry: None.  
  
Ron: I suppose you're right.  
  
Hermione: Bon, d'accord. But it is dark upstairs, and I am frightened of ze dark. Will anyone go wiz me?  
  
Draco: I will.  
  
Seamus: I will.  
  
Ron: No, thank you.  
  
Sirius: I suggest we all draw lots, for partners.  
  
  
  
He takes long matchsticks from near the fireplace. 


	12. Scenes 43-49 Make Like A Banana and Spli...

Wadsworth ==Sirius  
  
Guard Dogs ==Fluffy  
  
Yvette== Hermione  
  
Mrs.Ho== Snape  
  
Colonel Mustard== Seamus  
  
Mrs. White== Dean  
  
Mrs. Scarlet== Harry  
  
Professor Plum==Draco  
  
Mrs. Peacock== Parvati  
  
Mr. Green== Ron  
  
Mr. Boddy== Pansy  
  
Motorist== Goyle  
  
Cop== Lavendar  
  
J. Edgar Hoover==Neville  
  
Singing Telegram Girl== Crabbe  
  
  
  
43 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--KITCHEN -- 43  
  
  
  
Sirius is using a knife to cut the long matchsticks into different lengths. He prepares them in his hand so the matchs' lengths can't be seen.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Ready? The two shortest together, the next two shortest together. Agreed? And I suggest the two shortest search the cellar, and so on, up.  
  
  
  
The guests approach the butler.  
  
Col. Seamus picks a matchstick. It's relatively short.  
  
Parvati picks hers.  
  
Seamus and Parvati compare. His is longer.  
  
Harry picks his matchstick with a jerk.  
  
Ron reaches over Harry's shoulder and gets his matchstick. It is one of the uncut sticks.  
  
Col.Seamus and Ron compare. It's not even close.  
  
Hermione selects her stick. It's another long one.  
  
Col. Seamus and Harry compare.  
  
They match, putting them together on the ground floor.  
  
Harry looks disgusted.  
  
Dean selects his.  
  
In the background, the party tries to match sticks.  
  
Prof. Draco picks his matchstick.  
  
Sirius takes what is left.  
  
Dean steps up to Sirius and pairs his matchstick.  
  
They're going to the second floor.  
  
Prof. Draco walks by Hermione and a distraught Ron, who are going to the attic together.  
  
Draco matches cellar matchsticks with Parvati.  
  
  
  
Draco: It's you and me, honey bunch.  
  
Parvati: Oh, God . . .  
  
  
  
44 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 44  
  
  
  
We see the party as it splits up.  
  
Sirius and Dean start up the stairs, as do Takeruand Hermione.  
  
Prof. Draco and Parvati stop, unsure of where to go.  
  
Sirius pauses on a step and indicates the door under the staircase.  
  
  
  
Sirius: The cellar.  
  
  
  
Col. Seamus and Harry stop in the middle of the Hall.  
  
  
  
Seamus: Well, we know what's in the study, we've just come from the library, and the stranger's locked up in the lounge--  
  
Harry: Let's go look in the billiard room again.  
  
  
  
They go to the Billiard Room.  
  
Prof. Draco opens the door to the cellar.  
  
Parvati reaches in and turns on the light.  
  
They enter cautiously.  
  
  
  
45 -- INT. SECOND FLOOR--HALLWAY -- 45  
  
  
  
The storm is still around Hill House, visible from a second-story window.  
  
Sirius and Dean walk down the hallway as Ron and Hermione start climbing the stairs to the attic.  
  
We hear thunder and rain.  
  
  
  
46 -- INT. ATTIC -- 46  
  
  
  
Darkness.  
  
We don't know exactly where we are.  
  
Suddenly, a light turns on.  
  
We see Ron and Hermione, at the bottom of the attic staircase.  
  
Both of them are terrified of what may be above them.  
  
Silence.  
  
  
  
Ron: Do you want to go up in front of me?  
  
Hermione: Absolutely no.  
  
Ron: I'm sure there's no one up there.  
  
Hermione: Zen you go een fron.  
  
Ron: All right . . .  
  
  
  
Neither move.  
  
We hear nothing but the rain on the roof.  
  
  
  
47 -- INT. CELLAR--STAIRCASE -- 47  
  
  
  
Darkness.  
  
We barely see Parvati and Prof. Draco backlit, at the top of the stairs.  
  
They edge down.  
  
Parvati gasps.  
  
  
  
Draco: Well . . . Ladies first.  
  
Parvati: No, no. You can go first.  
  
Draco: No, no, no, I insist.  
  
Parvati: No, I insist.  
  
Draco: Well, what are you afraid of, a fate worse than death?  
  
Parvati: No, just death. Isn't that enough?  
  
  
  
48 -- INT. SECOND FLOOR--HALLWAY -- 48  
  
  
  
Dean and Sirius are at the doors of two adjacent rooms.  
  
They are looking at each other nervously.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Are you going in there?  
  
Dean: Yes, are you?  
  
Sirius: Yes.  
  
  
  
Pause.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Right!  
  
Dean: Right.  
  
  
  
They look in.  
  
  
  
Sirius: Um, I don't see any light switches in there.  
  
Dean: Well, neither do I, but there must be switches somewhere.  
  
Sirius: Shall I come in with you?  
  
Dean: No! (recovers) I mean . . . no, thank you.  
  
  
  
They start into their rooms and then jump out simultaneously, looking for the other.  
  
  
  
49 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--BILLIARD ROOM -- 49  
  
  
  
Col. Seamus and Harry are in back of the corner bar.  
  
They're stooping to look in.  
  
They stand and Col. Seamus indicates the bar's narrow egress.  
  
  
  
Seamus: You first.  
  
Harry: No, thanks.  
  
  
  
They both head for the exit, and they have to squeeze through-- it's a very tight fit.  
  
Col. Seamus walks past Harry, who is sure to keep him in sight.  
  
He grabs a pool cue from the wall.  
  
Daiskue gives a little gasp.  
  
Col. Seamus walks over to the pool table and motions with the stick to look under it.  
  
They do.  
  
There's nothing there. 


	13. Note

I'd like to report that earlier in this story you may have noticed that Takeru and Daisuke's   
makes pop up. There is no reason unless you count the fact that I did a Harry Potter and Digimon  
version.   
  
Apparently, I didn't completely correct it all. I apologize and until I get around to fixing it, just  
ignore it. I will update as soon as I find another Clue script. My disk is not working with my  
computer, so I cannot access the file.   
  
Sorry,  
BlackdragonDM 


End file.
